POWERLESSNESS:

~

Since I've been a child, I've been in an antagonistic relationship with an
important emotional part of myself: my feelings. I have consistently tried to
either ignore, repress, or force my feelings away.

I've denied I was angry, when in fact I was furious. I have told myself there
must be something wrong with me for feeling angry, when anger was a
reasonable and logical response to the situation.

The problem was that I had already been too understanding of the other
person and not understanding and compassionate enough with myself.

It has not just been the large feelings I have been at war with; I have been
battling the whole emotional aspect of myself. I have tried to use spiritual
energy, mental energy, and even physical exertion to not feel what I need to
feel to be healthy and alive.

I didn't succeed at my attempts to control emotions. Emotional control has
been a survival behavior for me. I can thank that behavior for helping me get
through many years and situations where I didn't have any better options.
But I have learned a healthier behavior – accepting my feelings.

We are meant to feel. Part of our dysfunction is trying to deny or change
that. Part of our recovery means learning to go with the flow of what we're
feeling and what our feelings are trying to tell us.

We are responsible for our behaviors, but we do not have to control our
feelings. We can let them happen. We can learn to embrace, enjoy, and
experience – feel – the emotional part of ourselves.

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