POWERLESSNESS:

~

Since I've been a child, I've been in an antagonistic relationship with
an important emotional part of myself: my feelings. I have
consistently tried to either ignore, repress, or force my feelings
away.

I've denied I was angry, when in fact I was furious. I have told
myself there must be something wrong with me for feeling angry,
when anger was a reasonable and logical response to the situation.

The problem was that I had already been too understanding of the
other person and not understanding and compassionate enough
with myself.

It has not just been the large feelings I have been at war with; I
have been battling the whole emotional aspect of myself. I have
tried to use spiritual energy, mental energy, and even physical
exertion to not feel what I need to feel to be healthy and alive.

I didn't succeed at my attempts to control emotions. Emotional
control has been a survival behavior for me. I can thank that
behavior for helping me get through many years and situations
where I didn't have any better options. But I have learned a
healthier behavior – accepting my feelings.

We are meant to feel. Part of our dysfunction is trying to deny or
change that. Part of our recovery means learning to go with the flow
of what we're feeling and what our feelings are trying to tell us.

We are responsible for our behaviors, but we do not have to control
our feelings. We can let them happen. We can learn to embrace,
enjoy, and experience – feel – the emotional part of ourselves.

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