Saturday, April 05, 2014

DENIAL:


I've used denial many times. It has
been a defense, a survival device, a
coping behavior, and, at times,
almost my undoing. It has been both a
friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to
protect myself and my family. Denial
got me safely through many traumatic
situations, when I had no other
resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial
was that I lost touch with myself and
my feelings. I became able to
participate in harmful situations
without even knowing I was hurting.
There was so much denial from my
past that had the blanket been entirely
ripped from me, I would have died
from the shock of exposure.

When the winds of change blow
through, upsetting a familiar structure
and preparing me for the new, I pick
up my blanket and hide, for a while.
Sometimes, when someone I love has
a problem, I hide under the blanket,
momentarily. Memories emerge of
things denied, memories that need to
be remembered, felt, and accepted so
I can continue to become healed.

Then something happens, and I see
that I am moving forward. The
experience was necessary, connected,
not at all a mistake, but an important
part of healing.

It isn't my job to run around ripping
people's blankets off or shaming
others for using the blanket. Shaming
makes them colder, makes them wrap
themselves more tightly in the blanket.
Yanking their blanket away is
dangerous. They could die of
exposure, the same way I could have.

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