Wednesday, April 29, 2015

DENIAL:


I've used denial many times.
It has been a defense, a
survival device, a coping
behavior, and, at times,
almost my undoing. It has
been both a friend and an
enemy.

When I was a child, I used
denial to protect myself and
my family. Denial got me
safely through many
traumatic situations, when I
had no other resources for
survival.

The negative aspect of using
denial was that I lost touch
with myself and my feelings.
I became able to participate
in harmful situations without
even knowing I was hurting.
There was so much denial
from my past that had the
blanket been entirely ripped
from me, I would have died
from the shock of exposure.

When the winds of change
blow through, upsetting a
familiar structure and
preparing me for the new, I
pick up my blanket and hide,
for a while. Sometimes,
when someone I love has a
problem, I hide under the
blanket, momentarily.
Memories emerge of things
denied, memories that need
to be remembered, felt, and
accepted so I can continue to
become healed.

Then something happens,
and I see that I am moving
forward. The experience was
necessary, connected, not at
all a mistake, but an
important part of healing.

It isn't my job to run around
ripping people's blankets off
or shaming others for using
the blanket. Shaming makes
them colder, makes them
wrap themselves more tightly
in the blanket. Yanking their
blanket away is dangerous.
They could die of exposure,
the same way I could have.

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