PAYOFFS:

Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be
receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.

Maybe the relationship feeds our need to be needed,
enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control
or morally superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of
responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.

"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said
one women. "I went on to spend the next twenty years
blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I
could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never
had to take financial responsibility for myself."

We can take responsibility for the part we may have
played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are
willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and
let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking.

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