Bill Says: (A Blog About Recovery)

CHOICES:

2012-01-31T12:01:00.002-05:00

We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We
may feel locked into behaviors – such as care taking or controlling.

When we hear ourselves say, "I have to take care of this person…"
"I have to say yes …." "I have to try to control that person …"
"I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way …" we can
know we are choosing not to see choices.

That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by
circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our
unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels
right for us, without guilt.

Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone
else's rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing
we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.

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SELF DOUBT:

2012-01-30T08:46:00.002-05:00

Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others,
doubt our inherent ability to care for ourselves. We may have
come to believe, that we need to take care of others and we need
others to take care of us.

We can take care of ourselves – weather we are in or out of a
relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have
loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.

Taking care of ourselves doesn't mean we won't have feelings of
fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. We may feel
scared, but we do it anyway.

GOSSIP:

2012-01-29T11:38:00.002-05:00

Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and
enjoying our connection to them.

As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes
surprising places.

Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means
mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships – relationships
where both people are valued.

Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through.
Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change.
But there is a bond.

There are many blocks to intimate relationships. Addictions and
abuse, unresolved family of origin issues, controlling, off balance
relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power,
care taking, nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt
intimacy.

So can a simple behavior like gossip – for example, to discuss
another person's issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone
else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.

That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds;
it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to
discussing other people.

If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it
is to bring the issue to that person.

Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for
intimacy.

LOVING OURSELVES:

2012-01-28T11:40:00.002-05:00

We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they
behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned
to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and
punishing way, it's time to stop. If other people treated us that
way, it's even worse to treat ourselves that way.

Loving ourselves may seem foreign, even foolish at times. People
may accuse us of being selfish.

People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem
are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.

How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if
necessary. By "acting as if."

Embrace and love all of yourself – past, present, and future.
Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Tell yourself
good things about yourself.

If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open
quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better
ones.

Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Discipline yourself when
necessary. Ask for help.

One day we'll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving
ourselves has become habitual. At that time we'll be living with a
person who gives and receives love, because that person loves
him-or-herself. Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force
in our life.

CYCLES:

2012-01-27T11:31:00.002-05:00

Our relationships benefit when we allow them to follow their own
natural cycles.

We have periods of closeness and periods of distance. We have
times of coming together and times of separating to work on
individual issues.

Sometimes, the dimensions of relationships change as we go
through changes. Sometimes, life brings us new friends or a new
loved one to teach us the next lesson.

That does not mean the old friend disappears forever. It means we
have entered a new cycle.

Be open to the cycles. Love will not disappear. The bond between
friends will not sever. Things do not remain the same forever.

Trust the flow. Take care of yourself, but be willing to let people
go. Hanging on to them too tightly will make them disappear.

The old adage about love still holds true: "If it's meant to be, it
will be. And if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to
you, the love is yours."

ENJOYMENT:

2012-01-26T11:53:00.002-05:00

Life is to be enjoyed and embraced.

The belief that we must square our shoulders and get through a
meager, deprived existence for far-off "rewards in Heaven" is an
inappropriate belief.

Yes, most of us still have times when life will be stressful and
challenge our endurance skills. But in recovery, we're learning to
live, to enjoy our life, and handle situations as they come.

Our survival skills have served us well. They have gotten us
through difficult times, as children and adults. We're learning to
do more than survive. We can let go of unhealthy survival
behaviors. We're learning new & better ways to protect and care
for ourselves. We're free to feel our feelings, identify and solve
problems, and give ourselves the best.

GROUND WORK:

2012-01-25T08:57:00.002-05:00

Wouldn't it be nice if we could imagine ourselves having or
becoming what we wanted? We can have and be the good things we
want. But first, groundwork must be done.

A gardener would not plant seeds unless the ground was prepared
to nurture those seeds. It would be wasted effort for us to get what
we wanted before we were ready.

First, we need to become aware. This may not be easy! Some of us
have become accustomed to not listening to the inner voice of our
wants, needs, and desires.

Next we let go of old "programming". Many of us have strong
sabotaging programs, learned from childhood. We may need to
"act as if" for a while.

There is a naturalness to this process, but it can be intense. Things
take time.

Good things are ours for the asking, if we are willing to participate
in the work of groundbreaking.

AWARENESS:

2012-01-24T11:00:00.002-05:00

SADNESS:

2012-01-23T10:37:00.002-05:00

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good-byes,
have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back
the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because
we have had so much change, so much loss.

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin
to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.

Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place
than where we were. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or
minimizing them, is one of the ways we heal from our past and
move forward into a better future.

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the
other side. So is a new beginning.

PROBLEMS:

2012-01-22T08:36:00.002-05:00

Many of us were raised with the belief that having a problem is
something to be ashamed of.

This belief can stop us from identifying our problems; it can make
us feel alienated and inferior when we have, or someone we love
has a problem.

Problems are part of life. So are solutions. People have problems,
but we, and our self-esteem, are separate from our problems.

I've yet to meet a person who didn't have problems to solve.

We are more than our problems. Even if our problem is our own
behavior, the problem is not who we are – it's what we did. There
is a difference.

It's okay to have problems. It's okay to talk about problems – at
appropriate times, and with safe people, It's okay to solve
problems.

And we're okay, even when we have, or someone we love, has a
problem. We don't have to forfeit our personal power or our
self-esteem.

LIFE ON HOLD:

2012-01-21T08:46:00.002-05:00

BOUNDARIES:

2012-01-20T12:18:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, life and people seem to push and push. Because we are
so used to pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn’t hurt. Because we
are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell
ourselves there is something wrong with us.

There’s nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get
our attention. Sometimes, the pain and pushing are pointing
toward a lesson. The lesson may be that we’ve become to
controlling. Or maybe we’re being pushed to own our power to
take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries.

If something or somebody is pushing us to our limits, that’s exactly
what’s happening: we’re being pushed to our limits. We can be
grateful for the lesson that’s here to help us explore and set our
boundaries.

LIKING YOURSELF:

2012-01-19T10:32:00.002-05:00

Recovering people often say: "I just don't like myself. When will I
start liking myself?"

Of all the recovery behaviors we're striving to attain, loving
ourselves may be the most difficult, and one of the most important.
If we are habitually harsh and critical toward ourselves, learning to
be gentle with ourselves may require effort.

By not liking ourselves, we may be perpetuating the discounting,
neglect or abuse we received in childhood from the important
people in our life. We didn't like what happened then, but find
ourselves copying those who mistreated us by treating ourselves
poorly.

Instead of criticizing ourselves, we can tell ourselves we performed
well enough.

People who truly love themselves do not become destructively
self-centered. They do not abuse others. They do not stop growing
and changing. People who love themselves well, learn to love
others well too. They continually grow into healthier people,
learning that their love was appropriately placed.

RISKS:

2012-01-18T07:24:00.002-05:00

We can allow ourselves to take positive risks in recovery. We
cannot afford to keep ourselves paralyzed. We do not have to
indulge in obviously foolhardy or self-defeating risks.

We will make mistakes and fail from time to time. That's part of
being fully alive. If we are waiting for guaranteed courses of action,
we may spend much of our life waiting.

The goal of recovery is not to live life perfectly. The goal of
recovery is to live, learn our lessons, and make overall progress.

Take a risk. Don't always wait for a guarantee. We don't have to
listen to the "I told you so."

HONESTY:

2012-01-17T11:07:00.001-05:00

Sharing openly and honestly to another person about our thinking,
in an attitude that reflects self-responsibility, is critical to recovery.

It's important to admit what we have done wrong to others and to
ourselves. Verbalizing our beliefs and our behaviors.

That is one way we can release our pain. We can also release old
beliefs and feelings that way. The more clear and specific we can be
with our Higher Power, ourselves, and another person, the more
quickly we will experience that freedom.

Step Five is an important part of the recovery process. For those
of us who have learned to keep secrets from ourselves and others,
it is not just a step, it is a leap toward becoming healthier.

WHAT'S OURS:

2012-01-16T22:54:00.002-05:00

A helpful process in our recovery, can be learning to identify who
owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her
rightful property.

If a person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a
self-defeating behavior, it's their property, not ours. If someone is
a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulating, it's
their issue, not ours.

Our property may include our behaviors, problems, feelings,
happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care,
and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for
ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled,
manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.

In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If
something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we happen to take it, we
learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and
learn to own and take good care of what is ours.

INTIMACY:

2012-01-15T10:51:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we have deeply ingrained patterns for sabotaging
relationships. Some of us may instinctively terminate a relationship
once it moves to a certain level of closeness and intimacy.

We may also zero in on one of the person's character defects, then
make it so big it's all we can see. We may withdraw, or push the
person away to create distance. We may start criticizing the other
person.

Sometimes, we hurt ourselves by trying to be close to people who
aren't available for intimacy – people with active addictions, or
people who don't choose to be close to us. Sometimes, we choose
people with particular faults so that when it comes time to be close,
we have an escape hatch.

In recovery, we're choosing to relate to safe, healthy people, so
closeness is a possibility. Closeness doesn't mean we have to lose
ourselves, or our life.

PERFECTION:

2012-01-14T09:12:00.002-05:00

“If I was really recovering, I wouldn’t be doing that again…” “I
should be further along than I am.” These are statements that we
indulge in when we’re feeling shame.

Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable
us to grow and change. If we have truly done something we feel
guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of
self-acceptance and love.

Even if we slip back to our old ways of thinking, feeling, and
behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time
to time. That’s how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an
important and necessary part of recovery.

Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is
impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being
who and where we are today; it’s accepting and loving ourselves
just as we are.

ENJOYING:

2012-01-13T13:16:00.001-05:00

Good feelings can become a habitual part of our life.

There is absolutely no virtue in the unnecessary suffering, which
many of us have felt for much of our life.

A good day does not have to be the "calm before the storm."

In recovery, a good feeling doesn't mean we're in denial. We don't
have to wreck our good times by obsessively searching for or
creating a problem.

Enjoying our good days doesn't mean we're being disloyal to loved
ones who are having problems. We don't have to make ourselves
miserable to be like other people. They can have their day and
their feelings; we can have ours.

A good feeling is to be enjoyed.

NEW BEHAVIORS:

2012-01-12T07:58:00.002-05:00

The lessons we learn are the ones we need to learn.

It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in
geometry class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our
comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the
understanding for granted.

Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the
gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We
understand. We have learned.

Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until
we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry.
Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk and allow
the breakthrough to come.

MISUSE OF GRATITUDE:

2012-01-11T09:55:00.002-05:00

Many of us have learned to deprive ourselves of things we might
want, and sometimes things we need.

Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep
ourselves unnecessarily deprived.

Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is
believing we deserve the best and making an effort to stop
depriving ourselves an start treating ourselves well.

There is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when
we can afford to do that. Learn to trust and listen to yourself about
what you want. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat,
buying yourself something new.

There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we
legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are times when we
can.

FEAR:

2012-01-10T09:43:00.001-05:00

FEELING GOOD:

2012-01-09T07:53:00.001-05:00

CONTROL:

2012-01-08T09:13:00.002-05:00

Many of us have been trying to keep the whole world in orbit with
sheer and forceful application of mental energy.

What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world
orbiting and just let it whirl? It'll keep right on whirling. It'll stay
right on track with no help from us. And we'll be free and relaxed
enough to enjoy our place on it.

Control is an illusion, in fact, controlling gives other people, events,
and diseases, such as alcoholism, control over us. Whatever we try
to control does have control over us and our life.

In recovery, we make a trade-off. We trade a life that we have
tried to control, and we receive in return something better – a life
that is manageable.

COMPULSION:

2012-01-07T08:29:00.002-05:00

I've gotten over my anger. I've learned that my recoveries aren't
isolated from one another. Many of us recovering from
codependency and adult children issues are also recovering from
addictions: alcoholism, other drug dependency, gambling, food,
work, or sex addiction. Some of us are trying to stay free of other
compulsive disorders – ranging from care taking to compulsively
feeling miserable, guilty, or ashamed.

An important part of codependency recovery is staying clean and
free of our compulsive or addictive behaviors. Recovery is one big
room we've entered called healthy living.

We can wave the white flag of surrender to all our addictions. We
can safely turn to a Power greater than ourselves to relieve us of
our addictions. Ask our Higher Power each morning to help us stay
free of our addictions and compulsions. Thank our Higher Power
for helping us the day before.

SELF-SEEKING:

2012-01-06T08:22:00.002-05:00

There is a difference between owning our power to take care of
ourselves and self will. There is a difference between self-care and
self-seeking.

There is a gentle, timely feeling to owning our power, to
self-care, and to acts with healthy motives that are not present in
self-will and self-seeking.

We will learn discernment. But we will not always know the
difference. Sometimes, we will feel guilty and anxious with no
need. We may be surprised at the loving way our Higher Power
wants us to treat ourselves. We can trust that self-care is always
appropriate.

HIGHER POWER:

2012-01-05T08:59:00.002-05:00

In recovery, we live life one day at a time, an idea requiring an
enormous amount of faith.

We surrender to our Higher Power's will. We stop trying to control,
and we get a life that is manageable. We trust our Higher Power's
will for us – that it's good, generous, and with direction.

We're learning, through trial and error, to separate our will from
our Higher Power's will. In addition we've learned that sometimes
there's a difference between what others want us to do and our
Higher Power's will. We're also learning that our Higher Power did
not intend for us to be codependent, to be martyrs, to control or
care take.

Some of recovery is accepting powerlessness. An important part of
recovery is claiming the power to take care of ourselves.

Sometimes, we need to do things that are frightening or painful.
We need to call on the help of a Power greater than ourselves to do
that.

We will never be called upon to do anything that we won't be
empowered to do.

RECOVERY PRAYER:

2012-01-04T11:04:00.002-05:00

This prayer is based on a section of the Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous:

Thank you for keeping me straight yesterday. Please help me stay
straight today.

For the next twenty-four hours, I pray for knowledge of Your will
for me only, and the power to carry that through.

Please free my thinking of self-will, self-seeking, dishonesty, and
wrong motives.

Send me the right thought, word, or action. Show me what my next
step should be. In times of doubt and indecision, please send Your
inspiration and guidance.

I ask that You might help me work through all my problems, to
Your glory and honor.

GRATEFUL:

2012-01-03T08:46:00.002-05:00

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But
it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light
of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of
lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.

The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us
necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful
circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we
want.

Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and
sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary
too.

Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the
experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step
of the way, we progressed.

Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is
mistaking that for the truth.

NEEDS AND WANTS:

2012-01-02T09:38:00.002-05:00

Part of taking responsibility for ourselves means taking
responsibility for what we want and need, and knowing that's okay
to do.

Learning to tune-in to ourselves, learning to listen to ourselves, is
an art. It takes practice.

What does it sound like we might want and need? What would we
guess would help us feel better? What are our feelings telling us?
Our body? Our mind? Our intuition?

If we ask, then listen closely; we'll hear the answers.

We are wiser then we think, and we can be trusted.

What we want and need counts. It's important, and it's valid. It's
okay to learn to participate in meeting our own needs.

We can learn to identify what we want and need and be patient
with ourselves while we're learning.

BEGINNINGS:

2012-01-01T09:41:00.002-05:00

Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving
ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other person;
they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying
life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the world.
Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and
dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person
to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what
happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future.

We try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately
evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to
see our part.

Then we put the incident to rest.

Praying for those we resent helps.

What better way to begin a new year than by cleaning the slate of
the past, and entering this one free of resentments.

POWER:

2011-12-31T07:01:00.002-05:00

There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in
recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become
comfortable with that feeling.

How do we feel when we’ve been victimized? Helpless. Rageful.
Powerless. Frustrated.

Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into
addictive or other compulsive behaviors.

In recovery, we’re learning to identify when we’re feeling
victimized, when we are actually being victimized. And why we’re
feeling victimized. We’re learning to own our power, to take care of
ourselves, and to remove ourselves as victims.

Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing
ourselves – and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are
living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling
victimized because we’re unreasonably expecting them to take
care of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent
belief, such as, Other people make me feel … Others hold the key
to my happiness and destiny … or, I can’t be happy unless another
behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place.

Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being
victimized by another’s behavior. Our boundaries are being
invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take
care of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set
boundaries.

Sometimes, a change of attitude is all that’s required. We are not
victims.

We strive to have compassion for the person who victimized us, but
understand that compassion often comes later, after we’ve
removed ourselves as victims in body, mind, and spirit. We also
understand that too much compassion can put us right back into
the victim slot. Too much pity for a person who is victimizing us
may set up a situation where the person can victimize us again.

We try not to force consequences or crises upon another person,
but we also do not rescue that person from logical consequences of
his or her behavior. If there is a part that is our responsibility to
play in delivering those consequences we do our part – not to
control or punish, but to be responsible for ourselves and to others.

We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to feel
victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we stop
doing that too. We are powerless over others and their behavior,
but we can own our power to remove ourselves as victims.

GRATEFUL:

2011-12-30T07:30:00.002-05:00

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But
it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the
light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of
lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving.

The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us
necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful
circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we
want.

Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and
sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary
too.

Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the
experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step
of the way, we progressed.

Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is
mistaking that for the truth.

NEEDS AND WANTS:

2011-12-29T08:46:00.002-05:00

Part of taking responsibility for ourselves means taking
responsibility for what we want and need, and knowing that's okay
to do.

Learning to tune-in to ourselves, learning to listen to ourselves, is
an art. It takes practice.

What does it sound like we might want and need? What would we
guess would help us feel better? What are our feelings telling us?
Our body? Our mind? Our intuition?

If we ask, then listen closely; we'll hear the answers.

We are wiser then we think, and we can be trusted.

What we want and need counts. It's important, and it's valid. It's
okay to learn to participate in meeting our own needs.

We can learn to identify what we want and need and be patient
with ourselves while we're learning.

BEGINNINGS:

2011-12-28T10:50:00.002-05:00

Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving
ourselves and others. Resentments do not punish the other
person; they punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and
enjoying life. They prevent us from being in harmony with the
world. Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up
and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person
to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what
happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future.

We try to see the good in the person, or the good that ultimately
evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to
see our part.

Then we put the incident to rest.

Praying for those we resent helps.

What better way to begin a new year than by cleaning the slate of
the past, and entering this one free of resentments.

POWER:

2011-12-27T08:02:00.002-05:00

There is one feeling we need to pay particular attention to in
recovery: feeling victimized. We do not need to become
comfortable with that feeling.

How do we feel when we’ve been victimized? Helpless. Rageful.
Powerless. Frustrated.

Feeling victimized is dangerous. Often, it can prompt us into
addictive or other compulsive behaviors.

Sometimes, owning our power means we realize we are victimizing
ourselves – and others are not doing anything to hurt us. They are
living their lives, as they have a right to, and we are feeling
victimized because we’re unreasonably expecting them to take care
of us. We may feel victimized if we get stuck in a codependent belief,
such as, Other people make me feel … Others hold the key to my
happiness and destiny … or, I can’t be happy unless another
behaves in a particular way, or a certain event takes place.

Other times, owning our power means we realize that we are being
victimized by another’s behavior. Our boundaries are being
invaded. In that case, we figure out what we need to do to take care
of ourselves to stop the victimization; we need to set boundaries.

Sometimes, a change of attitude is all that’s required. We are not
victims.

We try to figure out what we may be doing that is causing us to
feel victimized, or what part we are playing in the system, and we
stop doing that too. We are powerless over others and their
behavior, but we can own our power to remove ourselves as
victims.

GRATITUDE:

2011-12-26T06:36:00.002-05:00

Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one
problem when two new problems surface. We’re feeling great in
the morning, but we’re submerges in misery by nightfall.

Everyday we face interruptions, delays, changes, and challenges.
We face personality conflicts and disappointments. Often when
we’re feeling overwhelmed, we can’t see the lessons in the
experiences.

One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times.
It’s called gratitude. We learn to say, thank you, for the problems
and the feelings. Thank you for the way things are. I don’t like this
experience, but thank you anyway.

Force gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop
trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive
energy in our life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into
blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.

MEANWHILE:

2011-12-25T08:32:00.002-05:00

The behavior we call "acting as if" can be a powerful recovery tool.
Acting as if is a way to practice the positive. It's a positive form of
pretending. It's a tool we use to get ourselves unstuck.

Acting as if can be helpful when a feeling begins to control us. We
make a conscious decision to act as if we feel fine and are going to
be fine.

Often, acting as if we are detached will set the stage for
detachment to come in and take over.

There are many areas where acting as if – combined with our
other recovery principles – will set the stage for the reality we
desire. We can act as if we love ourselves, until we actually do begin
to care for ourselves. We can act as if we have a right to say no,
until we believe we do.

We don't pretend we have enough money to cover a check. We
don't pretend an alcoholic is not drinking. We use acting as if as part
of our recovery, to set the stage for our new behaviors. We force
ourselves through positive recovery behaviors, disregarding our
doubts and fears, until our feelings have time to catch up with
reality.

Acting as if is a positive way to overcome fears, doubts, and low
self-esteem. We do not have to lie; we do not have to be dishonest
with ourselves.

PRAYER:

2011-12-24T07:16:00.001-05:00

Praying and meditating are ways we take care of our spirit. Prayer
and meditation are disciplines suggested by the Eleventh Step of
Twelve Step recovery programs.

Prayer and meditation are not necessarily connected to organized
religion. Prayer and meditation are ways to improve our personal
relationship with a Higher Power to benefit ourselves, our life, and
our growth.

We're learning to take care of our emotions, our mind, and our
physical needs. We're learning to change our behaviors. But we're
also learning to take care of our spirit.

ON OUR BEHALF:

2011-12-23T11:24:00.002-05:00

It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when
others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused, It is so
easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to
their aid, and spur them on to victory.

"You have rights," we tell them. "And those rights are being
violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt."

Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf? Why can't
we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or
otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for
ourselves?

There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path.
There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves
– when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the
hands of those who could mistreat us.

Some days, the lesson we're to be learning and practicing is one of
setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we're learning is that of
fighting for ourselves and our own rights.

ANGER:

2011-12-22T04:22:00.002-05:00

If I was working a good program, I wouldn't get angry. If I was a
good Christian, I wouldn't feel angry. If I was really using my
affirmation about how happy I am, I wouldn't be angry. Those are
old messages that seduce us into not feeling again. Anger is part of
life. We need not dwell in it or seek it out, but we can't afford to
ignore it.

In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all our feelings,
including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when
we feel angry. We don't have to let anger control us.

Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we
never feel angry. Being grateful, positive, and healthy means we
feel angry when we need to.

FEELING GOOD:

2011-12-21T09:12:00.002-05:00

When we talk about feelings in recovery, we often focus on the
troublesome trio – pain, fear, and anger. But there are other
feelings available in the emotional realm – happiness, joy, peace,
contentment, love, closeness, excitement.

We don't have to worry when we experience good feelings; we
don't have to scare ourselves out of them; we don't have to
sabotage our happiness. We do that, sometimes, to get to the more
familiar, less-joyous terrain.

It's okay to feel good. We don't have to analyze, judge, or justify.
We don't have to bring ourselves down, or let others bring us down,
by injecting negativity.

BALANCE:

2011-12-20T07:12:00.002-05:00

Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of
taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of
refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.

We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with
our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every
trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.

We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and
victimization, then we swing to the other extreme by aggressively
wielding power over those around us.

We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for
ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our
physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet
confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with
others.

GUILT:

2011-12-19T06:03:00.002-05:00

“There’s a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships
use,” said one recovering woman. “The other person does
something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel
guilty and end up apologizing.”

It’s imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.

Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues.
Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates
our boundaries. We challenge the behavior and the person gets
angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.

Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in
our best interests, and in other people’s best interests. Guilt can
stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.

We don’t have to let others count on the fact that we’ll always feel
guilty. We don’t have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt –
earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that
holds us back from self-care. Push. Push harder. We are not at
fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to
insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another’s issues
from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of
his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to
know when our boundaries are being violated.

FEAR:

2011-12-18T10:52:00.002-05:00

Fear can be a big stopper for many of us: fear of fragility, fear of
failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of what others might think,
fear of success. We may second-guess our next action or word until
we talk ourselves out of participating in life.

“But I failed before!” “I can’t do it good enough!” “Look at what
happened last time!” “What if …?” These statements may disguise
fear. Sometimes the fear is disguising shame.

After I finished the first two chapters of a book I was writing, I
read them and grimaced. “No good,” I thought. “Can’t do it.” I was
ready to pitch the chapters, and my writing career, out the
window. A writer friend called, and I told her about my problem.
She listened and told me: “Those chapters are fine. Stop being
afraid. Stop criticizing yourself. And keep on writing.”

I followed her advice. The book I almost threw away became a
New York Times best-seller.

Relax. Our best is good enough. It may be better than we think.
Even our failures may turn out to be important learning
experiences that lead directly to – and are necessary for – an
upcoming success.

Feel the fear, then let it go. Jump in and do it – whatever it is. If
our instincts and path have led us there, it’s where we need to be.

RESPONSIBILITY:

2011-12-17T10:37:00.002-05:00

Caretaking: the act of taking responsibility for other people while
neglecting responsibility for ourselves. When we instinctively feel
responsible for the feelings, thoughts, choices, problems, comfort,
and destiny of others, we are caretakers. We may believe, at an
unconscious level, that others are responsible for our happiness,
just as we’re responsible for theirs.

It’s a worthy goal to be a considerate, loving nurturing person. But
caretaking is neglecting ourselves to the point of feeling victimized.
Caretaking involves caring for others in ways that hamper them in
learning to take responsibility for themselves.

Caretaking doesn’t work. It hurts other people; it hurts us. People
get angry. They feel hurt, used, and victimized. So do we.

The kindest and most generous behavior we can choose is taking
responsibility for ourselves – for what we think, feel, want, and
need. The most beneficial act we can perform is to be true to
ourselves, and let others take responsibility for themselves.

VULNERABILITY:

2011-12-16T04:21:00.002-05:00

Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to
hurt us again. We may automatically go on "feelings freeze mode"
when faced with emotional pain.

Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery.

It is understandable that we don't want to feel any more pain.
Many of us have had more than our share. In fact, at some time in
our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in
our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may not have had the
resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.

That was yesterday. Today, we don't have to be so frightened of
pain. It does not have to overwhelm us. We are becoming strong
enough to deal with hurt feelings. And we don't have to become
martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to
life.

We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt,
when that's appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings,
behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We
don't have to analyze or justify our feelings. We need to feel them,
and try not to let them control our behavior.

Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe
it's showing us we're going in a wrong direction; maybe it's
triggering a deep healing process.

It's okay to feel hurt; it's okay to cry; it's okay to heal; it's okay to
move on to the next feeling, when it's time. Our willingness and
capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness
and capacity to feel joy.

Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it means
learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.

FEELINGS:

2011-12-15T09:46:00.002-05:00

Feelings of hurt or anger can be some of the most difficult to face.
We can feel so vulnerable, frightened, and powerless when these
feelings appear.

Sometimes, to gain a sense of control, we may punish the people
around us, whether they are people we blame for these feelings or
innocent bystanders. We may try to "get even," or we may
manipulate behind people's backs to gain a sense of power over the
situation.

Feeling hurt does not have to be so frightening. We do not have to
work so hard to avoid it. While hurt feelings aren't as much fun as
feeling happy, they are, still, just feelings.

We can surrender to them, feel them, and go on. Emotional pain
does not have to devastate us. We can sit still, feel the pain, figure
out if there's something we need to do to take care of ourselves,
and then go on with our life.

We do not have to act in haste; we do not have to punish others to
get control over our feelings. We can begin sharing our hurt
feelings with others. That brings relief and often healing to them
and to us.

Eventually, we learn the lesson that real power comes from
allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel hurt. Real power
comes from knowing we can take care of ourselves, even when we
feel emotional pain. Real power comes when we stop holding others
responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our
feelings.

BEHAVIOR:

2011-12-14T10:11:00.002-05:00

Relationships are the blessing and bane of recovery. Relationships
are where we take our recovery show on the road.

Each day, we are faced with the prospect of functioning in several
different relationships. Sometimes, we choose these relationships;
sometimes, we don't. The one choice we usually have in our
relationships concerns our own behavior.

We're learning to acknowledge our power to take care of ourselves
in our relationships. We're learning to be intimate with people
when possible.

Do we need to detach from someone who we've been trying to
control? Is there someone we need to talk to, even though what we
have to say may be uncomfortable? Is there someone we've been
avoiding because we're afraid to take care of ourselves with that
person? Do we need to make an amend? Is there someone we need
to reach out to, or show love?

Recovery is not done apart from our relationships. Recovery is
done by learning to own our power and to take care of ourselves in
relationships.

FAMILY ISSUES:

2011-12-13T09:57:00.002-05:00

We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves
and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their
issues.

Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol
and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.

Some of us may have family members who have unresolved
codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery,
pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization.

We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or
sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a
disconnected family in which the members have little contact.

We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are
separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our
primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or
not others in the family choose to do the same.

Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will
reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the
old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull
us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming
healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means
we're addressing our issues.

We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we
have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just
because they are family.

SELF-CARE:

2011-12-12T11:17:00.000-05:00

Listen to that voice inside. What makes you angry? What have you
had enough of? What don't you trust? What doesn't feel right?
What can't you stand? What makes you uncomfortable? What do
you like? Need? What don't you want and need? What do you like?
What would feel good?

In recovery, we learn that self-care leads us on the path to the God
of our understanding's will and plan for our life. Self-care never
leads away from our highest good; it leads toward it.

Learn to nurture that voice inside. We can trust ourselves. We can
take care of ourselves. We are wiser than we think. Our guide is
within, ever-present.

PROBLEMS:

2011-12-11T12:09:00.002-05:00

Frequently, when faced with a problem, we may attempt to solve it
in a particular way. When that way doesn't work, we may continue
trying to solve the problem in that same way.

We may get frustrated, try harder, get more frustrated, and then
exert more energy and influence into forcing the same solution that
we have already tried and that didn't work.

That approach tends to get us stuck and trapped. It is the stuff that
unmanageably is made of.

We can get caught in this same difficult pattern in relationships, in
tasks, in any area of our life. We initiate something, it doesn't work,
doesn't flow, we feel badly, then try the same approach harder,
even though it's not working and flowing.

Sometimes, it's appropriate not to give up and to try harder.
Sometimes, it's more appropriate to let go, detach, and stop trying
so hard.

If it doesn't work, if it doesn't flow, maybe life is trying to tell us
something. Life is a gentle teacher. Something not working may be
a sign!

Let go. If we have become frustrated by repeated efforts that
aren't producing desired results, we may be trying to force
ourselves down the wrong path. Often, the answer will emerge
more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the
urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder.

HARMONY:

2011-12-10T07:26:00.002-05:00

A pianist often needs to practice each hand's work separately to
learn the feel, to learn the sound. One hand picks out a part until
there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the
musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes,
one by one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has
learned its part – the sound, the feel, the rhythm, the tones
– then both hands can play together.

During the time of practice, the music may not sound like much. It
may sound disconnected, not particularly beautiful. But when both
hands are ready to play together, music is created.

When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even
years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in
the separate parts of our life.

We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to
apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us.
We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one
relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in
our love relationships.

We work on our relationship with our Higher Power – our
spirituality. We work at loving ourselves. We work at believing we
deserve the best. We work on our finances. On our recreation.
Sometimes on our appearance. Sometimes on our home.

We work on feelings. On beliefs. On behaviors. Letting go of the
old, acquiring the new. We go from one extreme to the other, and
sometimes back through the course again. We make a little
progress, go backward, and then go forward again.

It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious,
beautiful piece of music. Then one day, something happens. We
become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.

What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song.
That song is a whole life, a complete life, a life in harmony.

The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the
parts.

SLUMPS:

2011-12-09T12:26:00.002-05:00

A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and
sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can't sort out. We may
not understand what is going on with us. Even our attempts to
practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don't
feel emotionally mentally, and spiritually as good as we would like.

In a slump, we may find ourselves reverting instinctively to old
patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know
better.

We may begin taking things personally that are not our issues, and
reacting in ways we've learned all too well do not work.

We don't have to be ashamed, no matter how long we've been
recovering. We don't have to unreasonably expect "more" from
ourselves.

Get through the slump. It will end. Sometimes, a slump can go on
for days and then, in the course of an hour, we see ourselves pull
out of it and feel better. Sometimes it can last a little longer.

Practice one recovery behavior in one small area, and begin to
climb uphill. Soon, the slump will disappear. We can never judge
where we will be tomorrow by where we are today.

WITHHOLDING:

2011-12-08T11:36:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a
person we're in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but
we're not. We're not available to participate in the relationship.

Sometimes, it is appropriate and healthy to shut down in a
relationship. We may legitimately need some time out. Sometimes
it is self-defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship.

It is common to go through temporary periods of closing down in a
relationship. But it is unhealthy to make this an ongoing practice. It
may be one of our relationship sabotaging devices.

Do we need some time to deal? To heal? To grow? To sort through
things? Do we need time out from this relationship? Or are we
reverting to our old ways – hiding, running, and terminating
relationships because we are afraid we cannot take care of
ourselves in other ways?

Do we need to shut down because the other person truly isn't safe,
is manipulating, lying, or acting out additively or abusively? Are
we shutting down because the other person has shut down and we
no longer want to be available?

Shutting down, shutting off, closing ourselves and removing our
emotional presence from a relationship is a powerful tool. We need
to use it carefully and responsibly. To achieve intimacy and
closeness in a relationship, we need to be present emotionally. We
need to be available.

DETACHMENT:

2011-12-07T09:01:00.002-05:00

Detachment doesn't come naturally for many of us. But once we
realize the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital
detachment is.

"The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my
alcoholic husband. He had been drinking since I had married him.
For seven years, I had been denying his alcoholism and trying to
make him stop drinking.

"I did outrageous things to make him stop drinking, to make him
see the light, to make him realize how much he was hurting me. I
really thought I was doing things right by trying to control him.

"One night, I saw things clearly. I realized that my attempts to
control him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life
was unmanageable. I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want
to do. His alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn't
drinking.

"I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased
anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and
so could I. When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.

"I've had to practice the principle of detachment many times since
then. I've had to detach from unhealthy people and healthy people.
It's never failed. Detachment works."

Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we're ready for it.
When we set the other person free, we are set free.

LETTING GO:

2011-12-06T09:30:00.002-05:00

WORK:

2011-12-05T09:00:00.002-05:00

Just as we have relationship histories, most of us have work
histories.

Just as we develop a healthy attitude toward our relationship
history – one that will help us learn and move forward – we can
develop a healthy attitude toward our work history.

I have worked at jobs I hated but was temporarily dependent on. I
have gotten stuck in jobs because I was afraid to strike out on my
own and find my next set of circumstances.

I have been in some jobs to develop skills. Sometimes, I didn't know
I was developing those skills until later when they became an
important part of the career of my choice.

I have worked at jobs where I have felt victimized, where I felt like
I gave and gave and received nothing in return. I have been in
relationships where I manufactured similar feelings.

I have worked at some jobs that have taught me what I absolutely
didn't want; others sparked in me an idea of what I really did want
and deserve in my career.

Some of my jobs have helped me develop character; others have
helped me fine-tune skills. They have all been a place to practice
recovery behaviors.

Just as I have needed to clear the wreckage of feelings about past
relationships, I have needed to finish my business with jobs and
careers.

I have learned something from each job, and my work history has
helped create who I am.

I learned something else: there was a Plan, and I was being led. The
more I trusted my instincts, what I wanted, and what felt right, the
more I felt that I was being led.

The more I refused to lose my soul to a job and worked at it
because I wanted to and not for the paycheck, the less victimized I
felt by any career, even those jobs that paid a meager salary. The
more I set goals and took responsibility for achieving the career I
wanted, the more I could decide whether a particular job fit into
that scheme of things. I could understand why I was working at a
particular job and how that was going to benefit me.

There are times I have panicked at work an about where I was in
my employment history. Panic never helped. Trust and working
my program did.

There were times I looked around and wondered why I was where
I was. There were times people thought I should be someplace
different. But when I looked into myself and at God, I knew I was in
the right place, for the moment.

There were times I didn't get the promotion I wanted. There were
times I refused a promotion because it didn't feel right.

There are times I have to quit a job and walk away in order to be
true to myself. Sometimes, that was frightening. Sometimes, I felt
like a failure. But I learned this: If I was working my program and
true to myself, I never had to fear where I was being led.

I've learned that I'm not stuck or trapped in a job no more than I
am in a relationship. I have choices. I may not be able to see them
clearly right now, but I do have choices. I've learned that if I really
want to take care of myself in a particular way on a job, I will do
that. And if I really want to be victimized by a job, I will allow that
to happen too.

Above all else, I've learned to accept and trust my present
circumstances at work. That does not mean to submit; it does not
mean to forego boundaries. It means to trust, accept, then take
care of myself the best I'm able to on any given day.

FEELINGS:

2011-12-04T10:40:00.002-05:00

Sometimes good feelings can be as distracting as the painful, more
difficult ones. Yes, good feelings can be anxiety producing to those
of us unaccustomed to them. But go ahead and feel the good
feelings anyway.

Feel and accept the joy. The love. The warmth. The excitement.
The pleasure. The satisfaction. The elation. The tenderness. The
comfort.

These are only feelings, but they feel good. They are full of positive,
upbeat energy – and we deserve to feel that when it comes our way.

We don't have to repress. We don't have to talk ourselves out of
feeling good.

If we feel it, it's ours for the moment. Own it. If it's good, enjoy it.

MARTYRS:

2011-12-03T07:50:00.002-05:00

Many of us have gone so numb and discounted our feelings so
completely that we have gotten out of touch with our needs in
relationships.

We can learn to distinguish whose company we enjoy, Whether
we're talking about friends, business acquaintances, dates, or
spouses. We all need to interact with people we might prefer to
avoid, but we don't have to force ourselves through long-term or
intimate relationships with these people.

We are free to choose friends, dates, spouses. We are free to choose
how much time we spend with those people we can't always choose
to be around, such as relatives. This is our life. We can decide how
we want to spend our days and hours. Not one of us is without
options. Although we may have to struggle through shame and
learn to own our power, we can learn to spend our valuable hours
and days with people we enjoy and choose to be with.

LIFE:

2011-12-02T07:18:00.002-05:00

There are times we need to endure, struggle through, and rely on
our survival skills. But we don't have to make life, growth, recovery,
change, or our day-to-day affairs that hard all the time.

Having life be that hard is a remnant of our martyrdom, a leftover
from old ways of thinking, feeling, and believing. We are worthy,
even when life isn't that hard. Our value and worth are not
determined by how hard we struggle. If we're making it hard, we
may be making it harder than it needs to be, said one woman.
Learn to let things happen easily and naturally. Learn to let events,
and our participation in them, fall into place. It can be easy now.
Easier than it has been. We can go with the flow, take the world off
our shoulders, and let our Higher Power ease us into where we need
to be.

VULNERABLE:

2011-12-01T07:37:00.002-05:00

Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other
people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our
imperfections – not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry
for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a
catalyst in healing and changing.

Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that
makes us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the
past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they
made us feel ashamed.

We learn from our mistakes – and despite our mistakes, it is still a
good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can
learn to share appropriately, so we don't scare or push people away.
We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.

SHAME:

2011-11-30T12:08:00.002-05:00

Many systems and people reek of shame. They are controlled by
shame and may want us to play their game with them.

We don't have to fall into their shame. Instead, we'll take the good
feelings self-acceptance, love, and nurturing.

Compulsive behaviors, sexually addictive behaviors, overeating,
chemical abuse, and addictive gambling are shame-based behaviors.
If we participate in them, we will feel ashamed. It's inevitable.

Our past, and the brainwashing we may have had that imposed
"original shame" upon us, may try to put shame on us. This can
happen when we're all alone, walking through the grocery store or
just quietly going about living our life. Don't think … Don't feel …
Don't grow or change … Don't be alive … Don't live life …
Be ashamed!

Be done with shame. Attack shame. Go to war with it. Learn to
recognize it and avoid it like the plague.

TRUSTING:

2011-11-29T12:17:00.002-05:00

A married couple, decided to make some change in their living
situation. They had always lived in the city, and now they decided
they wanted to live in the country, on a lake.

They found a small, lake home. It wasn't the house of their dreams,
but when they sold their city home, they would have money to
remodel it. They had saved some money, so they moved into their
lake home before selling their city home.

One year passed, and the city home didn't sell. They went through
many changes during this time. They had times of patience and
impatience. Some days they trusted the God of their understanding;
other days they couldn't figure out why the God of their
understanding was making them wait so long, why the God of their
understanding wouldn't let them move forward with their plan. The
doors just wouldn't swing wide open.

One day, a neighbor came to visit. His home on the lake was their
dream home – everything they wanted, plus more. The first time
they saw this house, they admired it, wishing they could have a
home just like it, but then they forgot about the idea. They didn't
believe it could ever be possible.

The reason the neighbor came to visit was that he and his wife had
decided to move. He offered them the first option on purchasing his
home.

They accepted his offer, and signed a purchase agreement. Within
two months, they sold their city home and their small but adequate
lake home. A short time later, they moved into the home of their
dreams.

Sometimes, we experience times of frustration in our life. We
believe we're on track, trusting the God of our understanding and
ourselves, yet things don't work out. We have false starts and stops.
The door refuses to swing wide open.

We may wonder if the God of their understanding has abandoned
us, or doesn't care. We may not understand where we're going, or
what our direction is.

Then one day we see: the reason we didn't get what we wanted was
because the God of our understanding had something much better
planned for us.

CHARITY:

2011-11-28T08:28:00.002-05:00

We need healthy boundaries about receiving money, and we need
healthy boundaries about giving money.

We may be ashamed because we have money and don't believe we
deserve it. We may belong to an organization that uses shame as a
form of control to coerce us out of our money that the organization
wants.

We can get hooked into giving money to our children, family
members, or friends because we have earned or unearned guilt. We
allow ourselves to be financially blackmailed, sometimes by the
people we love.

Some of us give money out of a sense of caretaking, We may have
exaggerated feelings of responsibility for others, including financial
responsibility.

Some of us give because we hope or believe people will love us if we
take care of them financially.

We do not have to give money to anyone. Giving money is our
choice. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized,
manipulated, or coerced out of our money. We are financially
responsible for ourselves. Part of being healthy is allowing those
around us be financially responsible for themselves.

We do not have to be ashamed about having the money that we
earn; we deserve to have the money we have been given –
whatever the amount, without feeling obligated to give it all away,
or guilty because others want what we have.

Charity is a blessing. Giving is part of healthy living. We can learn
to develop healthy boundaries around giving.

POWER:

2011-11-27T10:33:00.001-05:00

In recovery from codependency, we learn there's a big difference
between humility and discounting ourselves.

When others act irresponsibly and attempt to blame their problems
on us, we no longer feel guilty. We let them face their own
consequences.

When others try to manipulate or exploit us, we know it's okay to
feel anger and distrust and to say no to the plan.

When others tell us we want something that we really don't want,
or someone tells us that we don't want something that we really do
want, we trust ourselves. When others tell us things we don't
believe, we know it's okay to trust our instincts.

We can even change our mind later.

We don't have to give up our personal power to anyone: strangers,
friends, spouses, children, authority figures, or those over whom
we're in authority. People may have things to teach us. They may
have more information than we have, and may appear more
confident or forceful than we feel. But we are equals.

We are not second-class citizens. By owning our power, we don't
have to become aggressive or controlling. We don't have to discount
others. But we don't discount ourselves either.

DIRECTNESS:

2011-11-26T09:25:00.002-05:00

SURRENDER:

2011-11-25T09:54:00.002-05:00

We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life
today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.

Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for
a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson, that must be learned
before we can move forward.

Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around
us. We may not be able to identify it today, but we can know that it
is important.

Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is
fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we
learn, until we accept, until we become grateful.

FEELING GOOD:

2011-11-24T11:14:00.002-05:00

There is a positive aspect to boundary setting. We learn to listen to
ourselves and identify what hurts us and what we don’t like. But
we also learn to identify what feels good.

When we are willing to take some risks and begin actively doing so,
we will enhance the quality of our life.

What do we like? What feels good? What brings us pleasure?
Whose company do we enjoy? What helps us to feel good in the
morning? What’s a real treat in our life? What are the small, daily
activities that make us feel nurtured and cared for.

What appeals to our emotional., spiritual, mental, and physical self?
What actually feels good to us?

We have deprived ourselves too long. There is no need to do that
anymore, no need. If it feels good, and the consequences are
self-loving and not self-defeating, do it.

COMPETITION:

2011-11-23T11:01:00.002-05:00

"Yes, I know your spouse is an alcoholic, but my son is an alcoholic,
and that's different. That's worse!"

What an easy trap that can be for us. We are out to show others
how victimized we have been, how much we hurt, how unfair life is,
and what a tremendous martyr we are. And we won't be happy
until we do!

The goal in recovery is not to show others how much we hurt or
have hurt. The goal is to stop our pain, and to share that solution
with others.

If we find ourselves trying to prove to someone how much we've
been hurt or if we try to top someone else's pain, we may want to
stop and figure out what's going on. Do we need to recognize how
much we've hurt or are hurting?

There is no particular award or reward for suffering, as many of us
tricked ourselves into believing in the height of our codependency.
The reward is learning to stop the pain and move into joy, peace,
and fulfillment.

That is the gift of recovery, and it is equally available to each of us,
even if our pain was greater, or less, than someone else's.

Web Stores:

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Police Registry - http://www.wrhmcp.com
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Amazon - http://www.amazon.com/shops/wrhmcp

TIMING:

2011-11-22T07:25:00.002-05:00

When the time is right, child. When the time is right. How often
have we heard those words – from a friend, a sponsor, our Higher
Power?

We want things so badly – that job, that check, a relationship, a
possession. We want our life to change.

So we wait, sometimes patiently, sometimes anxiously, wondering
all the while: When will the future bring me what I long for? Will I
be happy then?

We try to predict, circling dates on the calendar, asking questions.
We forget that we don't hold the answers. If we listen closely, we'll
hear them. When the time is right, child. When the time is right.

BAGGAGE FREE:

2011-11-21T08:05:00.002-05:00

Some of the baggage we can let go of is lingering feelings and
unfinished business with past relationships.

If we have not put closure on a relationship, if we cannot walk away
in peace, we have not yet learned our lesson. That may mean we
will have to have another go-around with that lesson before we are
ready to move on.

What feelings did we leave with in a particular relationship? Are we
still carrying those feelings around? Do we want the heaviness and
impact of that baggage on our behavior today?

Are we still feeling victimized, rejected, or bitter about something
that happened two, ten or even twenty years ago?

It may be time to let it go. It may be time to open ourselves to the
true lesson from that experience.

We can choose to live in the past, or we can choose to finish our old
business from the past and open ourselves to the beauty of today.

JOY:

2011-11-20T09:14:00.002-05:00

The joy of recovery is that we finally get to experiment. We get to
learn new behaviors, and we don't have to do them perfectly. We
only need to find a way that works for us.

Many of us have gotten into a rut with rigidity, martyrdom, and
deprivation. One of the "normal" experiences many of us have been
deprived of is having fun. Another one is being spontaneous.

We can let ourselves go a little now and then. We can loosen up a
bit. We don't have to be so stiff and rigid, so frightened about being
who we are. Try some new activities. What would we like to do?
What might we enjoy doing?

Decide to try something, then go through with it. Go once Go twice.

Web Stores:
eCrater - http://wrhmcp.ecrater.com/
Webidz - http://www.webidz.com/stores/WRH
Police Registry - http://www.wrhmcp.com
Atomic Mall - http://www.atomicmall.com/wrhmcp
Amazon - http://www.amazon.com/shops/wrhmcp