POWERLESSNESS:

Since I've been a child, I've been in an
antagonistic relationship with an important
emotional part of myself: my feelings. I have
consistently tried to either ignore, repress, or
force my feelings away.

I've denied I was angry, when in fact I was
furious. I have told myself there must be
something wrong with me for feeling angry,
when anger was a reasonable and logical
response to the situation.

The problem was that I had already been too
understanding of the other person and not
understanding and compassionate enough with
myself.

It has not just been the large feelings I have
been at war with; I have been battling the whole
emotional aspect of myself. I have tried to use
spiritual energy, mental energy, and even physical
exertion to not feel what I need to feel to be
healthy and alive.

I didn't succeed at my attempts to control
emotions. Emotional control has been a survival
behavior for me. I can thank that behavior for
helping me get through many years and situations
where I didn't have any better options. But I
have learned a healthier behavior – accepting my
feelings.

We are meant to feel. Part of our dysfunction is
trying to deny or change that. Part of our
recovery means learning to go with the flow of
what we're feeling and what our feelings are
trying to tell us.

We are responsible for our behaviors, but we
do not have to control our feelings. We can let
them happen. We can learn to embrace, enjoy,
and experience – feel – the emotional part of
ourselves.

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