PAYOFFS:

Sometimes it helps to understand that we
may be receiving a payoff from
relationships that cause us distress.

Maybe the relationship feeds our need to
be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by
allowing us to feel in control or morally
superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial
or other kinds of responsibility by staying
in a particular relationship.

"My father sexually abused me when I
was a child," said one women. "I went on

to spend the next twenty years
blackmailing him emotionally and
financially on this. I could get money
from him whenever I wanted, and I never
had to take financial responsibility for
myself."

We can take responsibility for the part we
may have played in keeping ourselves
victimized. When we are willing to look
honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and
let it go, we will find the healing we've
been seeking.

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